Stop and Listen

I'm kinda down on myself right now.

Clara's not been herself lately -- a little moody, a little withdrawn, a little bit of attitude...kinda depressed really. I kind of already knew what the probable cause was, but still it took hearing it from her to really drive it home...she wants/needs more attention from me. I feel like I REALLY screwed up. I mean if I knew that's what was wrong, why didn't I just fix it before she said something?

Tonight as I was tucking her into bed and laying with her after her prayer and song, she said, "What do you want to talk about?"

"You!", I said.

She said "What about me?"

I asked if she was sad, if she was feeling ok, if she is happy, if she knows she can talk to me, if there's anything she needed/wanted to tell me...she said, 'no, she's not sad there's nothing'. Then I asked her if I had done something wrong -- she still said no. So I asked her was there something she wished I did differently even if that means I hadn't done anything wrong...she didn't say anything, no nod of the head...nothing.

So I reminded her she could talk to me and then asked her what can I do differently -- she said, "Like play with me more."

HEARTBREAKING!

So we had a long talk about ways we could make special time for us, how just because I'm busy doesn't mean I don't love her, how I'll try to be less busy because she's way more important, and of course, thank you for talking to me so I know what to fix. I told her if she doesn't tell me things that are wrong I can't help fix, but when she talks to me I can fix stuff. I told her I was sorry for hurting her and making her feel sad -- I told her I loved her. When I told her that just because I seem 'too busy' lately doesn't mean I don't love her or don't care -- that I always love her tons even when I'm super busy...she said, "I already know all that, I just want to play with you more."
So I screwed up. Am I really that busy lately? No, just burnt out, but look who's paying the price. So say a prayer that I remember how I felt tonight lying in bed next to my daughter who I've hurt -- that I remember that feeling of seriously screwing up next time she asks me to play something, anything with her. I mean if I'm honest I'll admit it's not as if I didn't realize I've been pushing her aside a lot lately, but I still did it...so say a prayer that I'll do better, that I WILL fix this. There's a lot riding on it -- right now Clara still doesn't question my love due to my actions, she still is comfortable talking with me, she still wants my invovlement, and she looked excited and hopeful, even confident in my promise of being able to fix this...say a prayer that God grants me the strength, the energy, and the patience to step up to the job so that she feels loved, so that she knows she can come to me about anything, so that she knows I listen...really listen, and so that she still believes in me and my power to fix things for her.

I feel like an ass!