Where Does the Time Go?

Tomorrow my baby girl will be 5 years old. How did this happen? Who told her she could grow up so fast? Wasn't it just yesterday that I went to the hospital to have her? I'll never forget the first time I saw her. She was so excited to meet us, that she came 7 weeks early -- What a shock! I went in for a routine prenatal appointment only to be told that I would be having my baby in the next 24 hours. I had severe preeclampsia, and a c-section was the only way to ensure both my safety and Clara's. I wasn't ready. I was supposed to have 7 more weeks to get used to this whole idea of having a baby, something I had been begging for for some time -- a baby! But I wasn't ready yet...I had no choice.

I was admitted into the hospital by about 2pm March 23, 2004. I was monitored, given meds to bring down my blood pressure and steroids to help Clara's lungs fully develop. Sometime in the night the doctor said I wouldn't make it to get the last dose of steroids for Clara's lungs. It was no longer safe to wait, I would have a c-section first thing in the morning. There were 6 other c-sections scheduled that morning, I was bumped ahead of them all. Around 6:30am they came in to take me to the O.R. At 6:46am on March 24, 2004, I was a mom.

They warned me, she may not cry at first. She did! All Chris could say was, "She's so big!" It was still some time until I got to see her. They did their evaluation, wrapped her in a blanket and put a cap on her head, then brought her to my side of the sheet. All I could see of her was her tiny face. They let me kiss her on the cheek, then they whisked her away.

It was about 36 hours before I got to see her again. Chris had spent much of that time with her, coming back to me with reports of how big and beautiful she was. Finally it was my turn, and this is what I saw...

...in the back of the NICU where it was quiet and warm. At 4lbs 12oz, she certainly didn't look 'big' to me. She didn't coo or even look at me. She just lay there, sleepy, attached to monitors, by her 'spaghetti'. Not at all what I expected. Her skin wrinkled and folded like a shar-pei, with no meat on her to fill it out. You could see the sutures in her skull, where the bones had not quite come together yet. I held her finally.

We were lucky, some don't get so lucky. She was actually pretty healthy and, yes, big considering how early she was. It was traumatic for me. Everyone around me looked at Clara and saw a beautiful healthy baby girl. I saw the wires (her 'spaghetti'), and the monitors. I saw a sick baby. I felt guilty. Why could everyone else look past these things? How? The nurse acted as if it was no big deal. Clara was going to be just fine. How did they know? Doesn't anyone know this wasn't the way it was supposed to go? I was supposed to have a big chubby baby, who made baby noises, who snuggled softly in my arms and who could go home with me. Where was my baby?

2.5 weeks later we did take her home. She was healthy. She was ours and while we were scared, as all new parents are, I was so ready to get on with the life I had envisioned. Life as a mom. Little did I know, I would have no more control over that than I'd had over the way it all began.

Clara was an easy baby. She slept through the night. She was happy and content most of the time. She smiled and cooed. She was a picky eater from the start, refusing rice cereal. It had to be oatmeal, and even that could be a challenge. She hit all the milestones 'on time' and even got a little baby fat on her. She was all I could hope for and before long, a year had passed.

Clara's 1st Birthday (never mind the time stamp on the pics, we have often celebrated Clara's birthday when family could make it to visit).

Clara's 2nd Birthday

Clara's 3rd Birthday

Clara's 4th Birthday

Clara has grown into a beautiful young lady. Chris and I have guided her when we could, when she'd let us. Often, she seems to know the way to go all on her own. She is extremely intelligent, I fear her teenage years when I surely won't be able to match her wit or intellect. She is kind and outgoing. She is sensitive and inquisitive. She tries so hard to please and often will take too much on herself, far more than any 5 year old should. She is observant and giving, fair and honest. I am so happy that she is our eldest...the one to set an example for Jonathan, and soon, another child. For she is an example that even I try to learn from. I don't think Chris and I could handle a 3rd child without the help she offers by simply being an example.

Five years ago I found myself asking, "why me? What did I do to deserve this?" Today I still ask that same question, but with new context...How did I get so lucky?

Here's Clara with the hat they gave her at school today. She was so excited to take in goodie bags for all her friends (life was easier when you could just send in cupcakes!) She was beaming when I came back to pick her up, with her hat on. She's been counting down the days on her calendar all month. Letting me know how many days left until her birthday, asking me each day if it was spring yet (she knows her birthday is in the spring). Once again, her birthday celebration will not be on her actual birthday. Chris gets back from VA on Saturday, so we'll be celebrating on Sunday. We still have a special day planned for tomorrow for a special birthday girl.

I can't believe she's 5!