4 years

I can remember 4 years ago sitting in the cafeteria at Trident Hospital in Charleston, SC crying my eyes out to Chris. We were starting to hear rumors that we would soon be able to bring our little girl home with us that I had given birth to just 2 weeks earlier. I was pertrified. "What if I screwed her up?" I asked him. You see, in the the two weeks after I had Clara I went through many emotions, as all new mothers do, not the least of which was resentment that I was not able to bring her home with me when I had come home. Yet somehow when it looked as though I may finally be able to bring her home, I wasn't ready. She was safe in the NICU, she had nurses around her 24/7 that had far more experience dealing with babies. Many of them had grown children, which once again trumped my experience... Clara was safe there. I could visit her anytime, but not given enough latitude to do any damage. If I took her home all bets were off. It was anyone's guess if I could handle the responsibilities of being a mother. I'm sure many around me had far more confidence in me than I had at that moment -- including Chris. He laughed at me and assured me that we'd be fine.

Turns out Clara was an easy baby, she slept, ate and grew just as she should. She was a happy baby and things were no different as she grew to be a toddler. People have often commented on what a good child she is and I can only reply that I can't really take the credit, she has just always been that way. I felt prepared to guide her, but in many ways I felt that I didn't get the chances. She often seemed to know the right direction without my guidance. I'm starting to see, maybe I did have more to do with it.

For the last 4 years Clara has grown into a beautiful young lady. I have often referred to her as a mini adult, because her behavior seemed more like an adult than a child. Often I expressed that I wished she were more childlike. I'm beginning to learn I should've been careful what I wished for. She's been home with me from the start, and with Chris and I as pretty much her only influences, of course we have been pleased with what she is becoming.

Why do I bring this all up now? Because now, at 4, I am no longer her only influence. She's no longer playing beside her peers, but with them, and, of course, in her eyes they are WAY cooler than mom ever could be. Now I struggle with knowing the right way to guide her. How do I make my influence compete with the influence of her friends? We got into an argument one day because one of her friends told her penguins can fly...surely her friend knew more than her mom! Clara has started to bring behaviors home that are not typical of her. I, by no means, mean to say that Clara is, or ever was, a perfect child. She has certainly had her moments all on her own, but lately I feel as though I'm watching my foundation crumble under the influence of her friends.

Clara never used to lie to me no matter if the truth didn't rest in her favor, but now I get, "No, I didn't." when it's obvious that yes, she did. She doesn't always act as a friend should to her friends, and things that were once trivial to her (because they are in fact trivial things) are now big deals - sometimes worthy of an arguement. Where did my little girl go? I try not to blame these behaviors on her friends (even though I could match the behaviors to the names) because I know it is Clara's job as a child to bring these behaviors home to test them out. After all if it worked for her friends, why not for her as well. I know that it will forever be my job as her parent (along with Chris) to lay down the foundation and guide her in making the right decisions, to stand strong each time she tests the boundries and eventually our consistence and guidance will pay off. Not to mention, if it's not the neighbor kids, it will be her classmates that present her with new behaviors to try out at home.

I'm not so worried any more about doing something that may screw her up, but rather, I'm scared that I'll miss my mark. That I won't do something and the influences of her friends will be the stronger guiding force. How do I keep my footing? How do I know when to intervene and when to trust that the guidance I've given her thus far will be sufficient? Won't the lessons be easier to learn when she's made the mistakes on her own? How do I teach her to be the one kid that goes against the crowd and reaches out to the kid that the others have cast aside? How do I get her to identify with the individual and not the group? How do I teach her that the kids who are consistenly mean to her are not her friends, and that just because they're mean to her, it doesn't excuse her behavior when she gives it right back to them? How is it fair that a 4 year old needs to learn these lessons now when I'm not sure she has the capacity to truly understand the situation?

The other day I was shocked to watch Clara spit on the floor in Wal-mart. She was standing on the back of the cart as we waited in the checkout line and I guess it was one of those curious moments when she wondered if she could get her spit to fall through the holes in the cart to the floor without actually hitting the cart. "Did you just spit?" I asked in disbelief. "No" was her answer. Now, I understand the curiosity (I can't say I've never done my own spit experiments), but the lying I didn't understand. It was something we'd been discussing pretty heavily at home, punishable by an immediate time out session, no matter what. But here I am in Wal-mart...in line...what do I do now? Anywhere else in the store I would've pulled her out of the way and proceeded with time out, but we're already waiting together in line (how different is that from time out anyway), and Jonathan really needed the wipes we had gone in to get. I just glared at her searching my mind for a fit punishment, finally settling on no TV for 1 day. She hardly seemed phased, we're so busy these days, she doesn't watch much TV anyway. Her lackadasical attitude only got me fuming even more, making my punishment seem ineffective at best. As I buckled her into her carseat I decided to probe this issue a little more. I told her I was disappointed in her and asked her if she knew what that meant. "It means that you're gonna take stuff away", she said. (Any other time I would've laughed at this response.) I told her it meant that I was not proud of her behavior. She understood that one, with little more explanation she sat in the backseat with her head down, not even looking out the window for the whole 20 min ride home. It broke my heart, but I thought maybe she gets it now. However, I realized that given her reaction, she may be thinking I'm not proud of her at all. So once we got home, I let her brush her own teeth as she got ready for bed and then made a big deal about what a great job she had done, telling her I was so proud of her. She lit up and said, "you're proud of me now?" So I explained that I'm always proud of her, just not always proud of her behavior and I think she got it. She hasn't lied to me since then. So maybe I haven't totally been replaced by the friends -- there may still be hope!