I'm kinda down on myself right now.
Clara's not been herself lately -- a little moody, a little withdrawn, a little bit of attitude...kinda depressed really. I kind of already knew what the probable cause was, but still it took hearing it from her to really drive it home...she wants/needs more attention from me. I feel like I REALLY screwed up. I mean if I knew that's what was wrong, why didn't I just fix it before she said something?
Tonight as I was tucking her into bed and laying with her after her prayer and song, she said, "What do you want to talk about?"
"You!", I said.
She said "What about me?"
I asked if she was sad, if she was feeling ok, if she is happy, if she knows she can talk to me, if there's anything she needed/wanted to tell me...she said, 'no, she's not sad there's nothing'. Then I asked her if I had done something wrong -- she still said no. So I asked her was there something she wished I did differently even if that means I hadn't done anything wrong...she didn't say anything, no nod of the head...nothing.
So I reminded her she could talk to me and then asked her what can I do differently -- she said, "Like play with me more."
HEARTBREAKING!
So we had a long talk about ways we could make special time for us, how just because I'm busy doesn't mean I don't love her, how I'll try to be less busy because she's way more important, and of course, thank you for talking to me so I know what to fix. I told her if she doesn't tell me things that are wrong I can't help fix, but when she talks to me I can fix stuff. I told her I was sorry for hurting her and making her feel sad -- I told her I loved her. When I told her that just because I seem 'too busy' lately doesn't mean I don't love her or don't care -- that I always love her tons even when I'm super busy...she said, "I already know all that, I just want to play with you more."
So I screwed up. Am I really that busy lately? No, just burnt out, but look who's paying the price. So say a prayer that I remember how I felt tonight lying in bed next to my daughter who I've hurt -- that I remember that feeling of seriously screwing up next time she asks me to play something, anything with her. I mean if I'm honest I'll admit it's not as if I didn't realize I've been pushing her aside a lot lately, but I still did it...so say a prayer that I'll do better, that I WILL fix this. There's a lot riding on it -- right now Clara still doesn't question my love due to my actions, she still is comfortable talking with me, she still wants my invovlement, and she looked excited and hopeful, even confident in my promise of being able to fix this...say a prayer that God grants me the strength, the energy, and the patience to step up to the job so that she feels loved, so that she knows she can come to me about anything, so that she knows I listen...really listen, and so that she still believes in me and my power to fix things for her.
So I screwed up. Am I really that busy lately? No, just burnt out, but look who's paying the price. So say a prayer that I remember how I felt tonight lying in bed next to my daughter who I've hurt -- that I remember that feeling of seriously screwing up next time she asks me to play something, anything with her. I mean if I'm honest I'll admit it's not as if I didn't realize I've been pushing her aside a lot lately, but I still did it...so say a prayer that I'll do better, that I WILL fix this. There's a lot riding on it -- right now Clara still doesn't question my love due to my actions, she still is comfortable talking with me, she still wants my invovlement, and she looked excited and hopeful, even confident in my promise of being able to fix this...say a prayer that God grants me the strength, the energy, and the patience to step up to the job so that she feels loved, so that she knows she can come to me about anything, so that she knows I listen...really listen, and so that she still believes in me and my power to fix things for her.
I feel like an ass!
5 comments:
Don't be too hard on yourself Torie. Children demand a lot of our attention and it is difficult with our busy lives to always be available when they want us to. Chris will be home soon and you and Clara can take special days to spend time together and play. Maybe you can designate special play time with Clara during Jonathan's nap time on certain days. I'll call you today. Love ya!!
I love you for being so critical of yourself, and putting our kids first. I love you for being observant enough to notice something was wrong and wise enough to ask her what it was. I don't think you REALLY SCREWED up. Life got in the way of life a little bit. Remember how incredibly resilient kids are and how short term their memory can be. I wish I could be there to help bear the load. I know it is hard to balance 2 kids and also try to play with them enough. I love you and have the utmost confidence in you and your parenting abilities. I love you baby!!!
Children are very resilient and I'm sure Clara will be fine. Be happy that she felt comfortable enough to tell you what the problem is. I think sometimes we forget our children are exactly that--children. Clara is so mature and grown up for her age that we tend to forget she is really just a little girl who needs attention. You haven't screwed up--you are a great mom and Clara is a wonderful little girl. Give her an extra hug and let her know we all love her, and remember yourself that we all love you too. It's tough being an "only" parent, even though you know it's temporary. It will soon be over--at least for a while--and you and Clara can have some special time and Clara can also have some special time with her dad. Watch and see how happy she'll be then. We love you. Lots of hugs for all of you.
If, in the future, I could be the kind of mother you are....I would count my kids as lucky;)
You haven't screwed up - you're just a mom!! This is life - it's a hard balancing act, and you're balancing it right now without the other person on the other side to help! We all need those reminders at times - to remember the things that are most important.
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